issue 1
• Anti-Trust Charges Levelled Against Otis Elevator Company
• Water Tower Replaced With Diet Pepsi Tower
• Activist’s Heavily Stickered Bumper Tells Tale Of Unrealistic Dreams, Dashed Hopes
• Nutmeat Is Murder
• Town Clerk Missing, Presumed Dead
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issue 2
• Study: Sights, Sounds Distract Drivers, Slow Response Time
• Homicidal Maniac Takes A Break, Apollonia Safe For Now
• Melee At Community Center Pancake Breakfast Results In Syrupy Orgy
• New Laws Should Include Single Mothers
• Town Clerk Knits Way Into Record Books
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issue 3
• Global Outsourcing Data Alarms Experts
• Apollonia Beauty Lands Cover Of “500 Garlic Recipes”
• Blind Savant Wins Industrial Design Competition
• Fine Line Between Looking And Staring
• Town Clerk Fires Self For Discrimination
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issue 4
• Apollonian Named As Finalist For “Pulitzer Of Plagiarism”
• Apollonia Public Library Going Private
• Local Researchers Discover “Illiteracy Gene” In Mice, Rats
• Sick And Tired Of Government Waste
• Busy Town Clerk Divides Time Between Office And Duplicate Home Office
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issue 5
• Seedless Watermelon Declared Greatest Invention Of 20th Century
• Apollonia Resident Finds Unwelcome Surprise Inside Hamburger
• Local Rally Marches Against Low Taxes, Abundant Sunshine
• People Are Mean
• Town Clerk Falls Into Well, Rescue Efforts A Half-Hearted Failure
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issue 6
• Death By Poison Making Comeback
• Apollonia Supreme Court Rocked By Gavel Scandal
• I Had Sex With An Intern But It Wasn’t That Great
• Pet Psychic Uncovers Abuse
• Shredder Missing From Town Clerk Office
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issue 7
• Apollonia Adopts Single-Payer Health Care System
• High Wind Claims Life Of Child
• Surgeon Demands Return Of Forceps Left Inside Patient
• Someone Else Should Pay My Debts
• Town Clerk’s Attempt To Notarize Forty Documents Simultaneously Ends In Tragedy
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issue 8
• Doping Scandal Erupts At World Poker Championship
• Apollonia Changes Name In Olympic Bid
• Small Breakfast Enrages Weightlifter
• Why Johnny Can’t Walk
• Town Clerk Eaten By Snake, Snake Eaten By Bear, Bear Eaten By Hunter With No Conscience
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issue 9
• Space Tourism Takes Off
• Citizen Complaints Shut Down Topless Car Wash
• Apollonia Doubles Up Holidays Due To Budget Cuts
• Shame On You, Apollonians
• Town Clerk Survives Harrowing Ordeal In Airplane Wheel Well
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issue 10
• Global Manhunt Turns Up Surprises
• Apollonian Farms Hit Hard By Droughts And/or Heavy Rainfall
• Animal Shelter Accidently Cited In Restaurant Inspection
• Make Better Use Of Anonymous Tip Line
• Town Clerk Insulted One Too Many Times
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issue 11
• ‘Doomsday Scientist’ Writes Tell-All Book
• Apollonia Dump Becomes Living Museum
• Thieves Steal Co2 From Diet Pepsi Tower
• Keep Your Dog Away From My Leg
• Town Clerk Writes Tell-All Book
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issue 12
• Alien Autopsy Reveals Startling Discovery
• Apollonia Regulates Bagel Industry
• Wealth Management Forum Cancelled
• Can You Believe This Weather We’re Having?
• Town Clerk Fails Civil Service Exam
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issue 13
• United Nations Employs Sarcasm In Fight Against Human Rights Abuses
• Serial Pedophile Publishes Children’s Book
• New Hairstyles Confuse Law Enforcement
• My Mother Did Wear Combat Boots
• Town Clerk Succumbs To Devastating Paper Cuts
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issue 14
• Chilean Woodboring Beetle On Verge Of Extinction
• Police And Fire Chiefs Swap Jobs For A Day
• Thief Steals Ice Cream Truck, Vanishes Into Suburbia
• I Am A Drug Enthusiast
• Meteor Gives Town Clerk Super Powers
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issue 15
• Cult Followers Kill Selves With Deadly Cocktail Of Laundry Detergent And Bleach
• Apollonian Homeless Robbed Of Vintage Clothing
• Shampoo Driving Apollonia Real Estate Market
• Readership Should Bathe More Often
• Town Clerk Reveals Pain Of Living With Dry Skin
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issue 16
• Historical Fiction And Product Placement Combine To Revitalize Literature
• Theft Of Art Museum Collection Brings Relief To Community
• Tasty Drug Warehouse Accused Of Rebate Scam
• Memoir: I Ate Cherry Jell-O With Cool Whip And Threw Up Pink Foam
• Town Clerk Completes Record Breaking Balloon Flight Around World
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issue 17
• New Evidence Proves Chocolate Better Than Vanilla
• Apollonia Announces Comprehensive Naming Scheme For Newborns
• Take Your Lesbian Daughter To Work Day This Week
• I Regret Everything
• Town Clerk Trying To Get Pregnant, Needs Your Help
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issue 18
• Virtual Reality Television Just Like Real Life But Somehow Better
• Apollonia Women’s College To Become Women’s Prison
• Published Warning About False Alarms Was A False Alarm
• Dogs Are People, Too
• Town Clerk Makes Painful Decision To Give Up Baby For A New One
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issue 19
• ‘Endothrix Fascioliasis’ Awarded Disease Of The Year
• Apollonia Teens Express Selves Through Amputation
• Bakery Reveals Secret To Success – Butter
• It’ll Take A Long Time For These Wounds To Heal
• Town Clerk Bares Boffo Bod For Carnal Calendar
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issue 20
• Sensational Tabloid Newspaper Folds Amidst Scandal
• Short Circuit In Solar Panels Causes Ecologically Friendly Fire
• This Week’s Garbage Will Never Be Picked Up
• Stay Away From My New Friend
• Town Clerk Publishes Steamy Romance Novels Under Pseudonym
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issue 21
• Apollonia Holds Mock Election
• Poll Reveals Love Of Fruit Snacks And Documentaries
• Faulty Footwear Blamed For Missile Mishap
• I Can Run But I Can’t Hide
• Town Clerk Happy To Be Alive After Fall From Such Great Heights
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issue 22
• Dumb Is The New Smart
• Apollonia Fails Global Test But Passes Quiz
• No Children Left Behind In Preschool Drug Sweep
• Our So-Called Leader Is A Swell Incumbent
• Town Clerk Tops Male Swimsuit Competition, Accused Of Stuffing The Ballot
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issue 23
• Censored: This Year’s Stories The Media Didn’t Cover
• Principal Resigns Following Grammar School Spelling Mishap
• Downloading Music Prohibited By The Bible, Says Local Reverend
• I Read Alone
• Town Clerk Unsubscribes From Own Newsletter
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issue 24
• Oil Prices Top $70 Per Barrel On Strong Oaky Flavors, Rich Tannins
• Liquor Store Adds Children’s Play Area
• Apollonia Police Catch Creepy Guy
• I Feel Too Much
• Drunken Town Clerk Charged With Filing While Intoxicated
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issue 25
• ‘The Frog Prince’ Banned From Public Schools On Obscenity Charges
• Leading Motivational Speaker Takes Own Life
• Struggling Church Raises Funds Through Bake Sale, Fully Nude Wall Calendar
• Teaching Values To Our Children
• Town Clerk Wins Cheese Puff Eating Competition
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issue 26
• 1 In 3 May Suffer From Acute Narcissism, Including Myself
• Crazy Sammy’s Mental Health Outlet Opens In Apollonia
• Loss Of Local Chive Crop Devastates Luxury Dining Scene
• No Wonder People Hate Us
• Town Clerk Pulls Out Of 10k Run Due To Obsesity
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issue 27
• Six Secret Habits Of Highly Successful Businessmen
• Big Box Chain Brings Spacious Cardboard Containers To Apollonia
• Dwarf Clothier Wins Small Business Award
• High Fashion My Ass
• Town Clerk Under Investigation For Running Private Notary Service, Brothel
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